The Truth About Eldest Daughter Syndrome
Sweeping the floors, doing the dishes, and taking younger siblings to practice. These tasks may sound like the job description of a maid or babysitter, but they’re only a few among the many different things eldest daughters have to do.
Though they may seem small, they can be more time-consuming than you think. In most cases, the real chore is having to carry the emotional weight of the family on their backs. And many eldest daughters feel they have paid an unfair price.
These hurt feelings may resonate with you if you’re the oldest child in your family. Even younger siblings who an older sibling fully or partly parented may discover that it was an unhealthy or unfair arrangement. This article discusses the signs of “elder daughter syndrome” and how to prevent it.
What is Eldest Daughter Syndrome?
Though this is a recently uncovered dynamic, the eldest daughter syndrome needs to be addressed for the awareness of families and society. It can become the foundation for many personality issues and sibling rivalry if not resolved on time.
Family and couples therapist Dara Winley, Ph.D., LFMT, notes that “eldest daughters go through the most pressure as their parents are still figuring out parenting through trial and error.”
Many eldest daughters are put through a kind of parentification, which describes a dysfunction where children undertake traditional household parenting roles. This role reversal may see parents delegate duties to their children at some times while, at other times, the child voluntarily undertakes them.
The eldest-daughter syndrome describes a household dynamic where parents place many adult tasks on the shoulders of their oldest female child. These tasks could include logistical duties, like regular grocery shopping or paying bills, and emotional duties, like looking after their parent’s mental well-being.
More About Eldest Daughter Syndrome
This role is also often described with the term “mini-mother.” Oldest sons or daughters are generally taught to care for their siblings. However, the eldest daughters adopt a sense of care like a mother, which they carry on for a lifetime.
Children in this position almost feel insignificant when their parents don’t give them encouraging comments about being a “great big sister.” As they grow older, they get a sense of responsibility, and this adopted role quickly becomes a full-time job.
There are many reasons for this: parents may be ill, have financial hardship, have disorders from substance abuse, or have a history of long-term abuse. You may also find parentification with single parents or immigrants unfamiliar with the new culture.
Appreciative parents may reward their eldest daughter with affirmation after fulfilling their tasks, and the child may keep seeking those responsibilities after positive encouragement. This can create an unfortunate feedback loop, where the child “loses their childhood” if the parents give into that impulse.
Signs of Eldest Daughter Syndrome
Being the eldest daughter can be seen as both a gift and a curse, as it has some pros and cons. People often see the love, affection, care, toys, money, trips, and other things she gets from the family, but her struggles often remain unseen.
Consistently assuming adult tasks can be quite unbearable for eldest daughters, who may start showing some unhealthy characteristics and behaviors, indicating eldest daughter syndrome.
Extremely High Self-Esteem
Several recent studies have shown that eldest daughters tend to have higher self-esteem, being very strong and confident. This often helps her academically to achieve higher grades and professionally in her attitude.
However, she may also have a high ego which tends to make her stubborn and rigid and may help her much with her social life.
Unhealthy Competitive Attitude
Parents are often overwhelmed by the arrival of a newborn and tend not to spread love equally among all their children. As such, they can start to ignore their eldest daughter for several reasons.
There are several reasons most parents ignore their oldest child when there’s a newborn. The newborn completely depends on them, whereas the oldest can care for themselves.
They assume that the eldest daughter is emotionally and physically strong and can understand situations easily. Therefore, they give their undivided attention to the newborn. For these reasons, the eldest daughter can hold a grudge against their parents or siblings. This can result in jealousy and sibling rivalry.
Desire to Lead
A constant desire to lead is a clear sign of eldest daughter syndrome. She tends to make independent decisions and wants to constantly lead and help her younger siblings, even in the future. However, don’t mix these symptoms with the first signs of puberty.
But sometimes, this tendency to lead can negatively affect her. She starts to dominate and control her other siblings in their actions, behaviors, and decisions.
Perfectionism
The eldest daughter tends to be a perfectionist, always having higher standards than her siblings. This can be quite problematic when she experiences failures that limit her achievements.
She gets depressed if she can’t achieve a goal and is often jealous when her siblings achieve something. This is unhealthy and indicates the eldest daughter syndrome.
Obsessive and Controlling Behavior
Usually, firstborn children have a characteristic urge to be protective and perfect. Though this is great for her professional and personal life, it can harm her and her surroundings if it gets extreme. In caring for her younger siblings, she may become obsessed and pay less attention to herself.
Family Pressure to Become a Role Model to the Younger Siblings
Parents tend to demand perfection from their eldest daughters. They expect her to behave well, dress decently, and excel in every field. She already strives for this perfection, but the added pressure from her parents can make her depressed.
How to Heal from Eldest Daughter Syndrome
Becoming overly responsible at a young age can have lasting effects. Additionally, women who carry their parent’s struggles tend to ignore their emotions, suppressing their wants and needs.
Upon entering adulthood, the eldest daughter may experience depression and sadness without any reason. This can result in personality disorders, free-floating anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Though it can be overwhelming to untangle cumbersome family systems, narrative therapy may help eldest daughters understand their experiences.
Clinical Director and Co-founder of the Valencia Relationship Institute, Ellen Bradley-Windell, LCSW, suggests you “See the issue from an adult viewpoint, knowing that you did nothing wrong. You were only compliant and did what was expected of you.”
Bradley-Windell also suggests you focus on forgiveness. Parentified children can try to forgive their parents and themselves. Apologize to your younger self who didn’t know any better. Forgive her for being so alone and unable to be a kid.
It also helps to acknowledge some of the positive outcomes of this situation and focus on the good. Therapy is useful for resolving childhood issues, but an overtaxed eldest daughter may have trouble asking for help. Strengthen your resolve to escape your comfort zone and seek help.
How to Prevent Yourself from Perpetuating Eldest Daughter Syndrome
If you’re a parent, you may be heaping responsibility on your eldest daughter without knowing it. If you’ve been an extremely responsible oldest daughter or an overtasked older sister helped raise you, you can break the cycle with your kids.
Take a mindfulness approach to parenting and question your instincts, reflecting on your experience, what you would’ve wanted your mom to do differently, and how you should prevent it from repeating.
Stick to your role as a parent. Allow your eldest child to be themselves and not a mini version of you. Try not to make your eldest daughter fully or partly responsible for her younger ones. You may feel overwhelmed trying to be mindful of this situation. However, it’s alright to seek professional help and related communities online.
Conclusion
The “eldest daughter syndrome” is real, and people must know about it. It is often associated with a negative connotation and can affect a child physically and emotionally. Understanding this situation is essential to identifying and dealing with it effectively.
