NEW YORK—The fabulous Cher recently advised Speaker Nancy Pelosi to give the mad king his f***ing wall. I wholeheartedly agree, but for one modification.
That the wall be built around the White House.
That it be made of clear plastic—so the comings and goings can be seen by the public.
That it be disassembled and transferred to wherever Mr. Less than Zero (LTZ) moves to (one fervently hopes much sooner rather than later), and there reassembled. That way he can still be in the public eye, which the reality star, not surprisingly, treasures above everything else.
Pres. Donald Trump visiting a facsimile of his proposed border wall. AP PHOTO
It will be a wall built not so much to prevent entrances but exits. Does anyone remember an ad for roach traps? Entran pero no pueden salir. They enter but cannot leave.
The suggestion for this wall by the way comes from a friend, once a Trump supporter, but now completely disillusioned.
Of course, Mr. Less Than Zero already has a wall in place of a heart, but that’s another story.
This scaled down (way down) version of the Trumpian wall has many advantages, the primary one, being that it would be so much less expensive, nowhere near the $5 billion that he insists on having, even if it means shutting down the federal government, at the expense of 800,000 government employees. The shutdown is the longest in this country’s history—a shameful first, for which Mr. LTZ will be remembered long after he is gone.
Mr. LTZ fancies himself as an absolute monarch, blessed by Divine Right (and the pusillanimous mostly white evangelicals) to wield power absolutely. He has all but said, in the manner of the Sun King, Louis XIV, L’etat, c’est moi!
The only thing he lacks is a court jester, for every monarch worth his salt and French fries has one. But wait a minute. He does have not one but two: Kanye West and Rudy Giuliani.
Given his imperial ambitions, the Trumpian wall, would, I expect, include a moat, drawbridge, guard towers, even a dungeon, most especially—all the architectural elements that a castle has—plus all the modern conveniences of the age, including a mini-golf course on the grounds.
Or given his admiration for the Vatican and its wall, perhaps he sees himself as a pope. Pope Donald I. And why not? All his pronouncements are treated as ex cathedra by his devoted followers, who exhibit all the slavish traits of cult members, and to whom any criticism is water off a duck’s back. They would happily prostrate themselves in his presence and kiss his ring, as enthusiastically as they do his rear end. Of course, “ex cathedra” in Mr. LTZ’s case is used ironically, according to Merriam Webster, “to describe someone speaking with overbearing or unwarranted self-certainty.”
Within the castled White House, or should that be White Castle?, he can (nit)twit to his heart’s content, while wolfing down a hamberder—as he recently spelled it, in ordering takeout fast food for the college football champions, the Clemson Tigers on their ceremonial visit to White Castle. Might there have been stereotyping going on here or is it simply because he considers such fast-food fare a treat himself? Or that it was a cheap meal? One wonders if Mr. LTZ tipped the delivery person generously, or even if he tipped him at all.
With the tremendous savings this scaled-down wall brings, the rest of that $5 billion he seeks could be put to better use. No need to divert funds from disaster relief for California. Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico, as he threatens to do so.
Once that wall is built around the White House, Mr. LTZ should beware perching on one of its ramparts, to wave to all his real and imagined supporters gathered outside the wall. The fate of Humpty Dumpty is instructive and Mr. LTZ should read that classic nursery rhyme. Here are the lyrics, altered a bit:
Donny Drumpfty sat on a wall,
Donny Drumpfty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Drumpfty together again.
But I leave the last words to the poet e.e. cummings. These lines of his offer a portrait of Mr. LTZ that is spot on:
a politician is an arse upon
which everyone has sat except a man.
Copyright L.H. Francia 2019
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