Your holiday stress has nothing to do with your mother-in-law

As lovely as the holidays can be, this whole time of year just seems to pile on the stress, doesn’t it? There are deadlines at work that need to be met before the end of the year. It’s easy to find yourself obligated to holiday parties every other evening; holiday cards need to be sent out; then there’s the gift buying, which adds to the stress, not only because of the number of gifts you want to get, but it adds to your overall financial worries.

Add in the extra baking, cooking and unhealthy eating as well as overindulgence in alcohol.  Remember that you have to consider the crowds of people coming to your house; some of them, you don’t even like, but you have them over because it’s expected; and top it off with the flu that everyone seems to be bringing with them.

Or on the other end of the spectrum, you may have experienced a significant loss this year, making these very stressful times extra sad or lonely for you.

What can you do?

The first thing to realize is that while there clearly is a lot going on around you, it’s not the events in themselves, or even the people, that cause you stress, but your thinking about the flurry of activity and potential obligations. Other people’s opinions of how you decorate your house, who’s cooking, whether or not you actually need to send out cards are just that: opinions. And they are not necessarily your opinions.

Traditions and rituals can be fun and create great memories. They can be grounding, particularly for children. Yet it’s important to remember that the relationships are most important, not the rituals and traditions or expectations of others. If it stops being fun and meaningful, and if the memories that are being created are negative instead of positive, it’s time to do something differently.

People often resist change, thinking that they are giving up on something that has always been cherished, so they dig their heels in deeper and grit their teeth, hating the entire process. Remember, the relationships are important, and if you aren’t happy, healthy and energized with good will, then the best-laid plans are going to fall flat.

Here are some things to consider doing differently:

1. Look at your holiday traditions with a critical eye. If you don’t enjoy them and you are only doing them because “it’s expected,” it might be time to call it quits.
2. Ask yourself what happens if you stop sending cards or baking so many cookies? Can the practice be adjusted in some way to make it easier and more enjoyable? (Perhaps only sending cards to those you haven’t seen all year.)
3. Could it be OK to stop travelling to everyone else’s house and have anyone who would like to, come to you?
4. Could dinner be a potluck instead of a burdensome chore?
5. Paper plates? Picnic? Buffet? (Instead of formal dinner.)
6. Might it be possible to choose which gatherings are most important for your family, career, or community? Put those on your calendar and write a lovely thank you note to the others, sending your regrets that you can’t do it all.
7. Which decorations are a must, and which can take a break? Consider decorating every other year.
8. Try some new healthier recipes, with some of the “must-have” traditions scattered in.
9. Have a family gift exchange where everyone draws one name instead of giving to everyone. OR have everyone bring a wrapped gift of a certain price range and play a gift exchange game where you draw numbers and open them one at a time, with the option to choose the open gift or a wrapped one.
10. If you struggle with getting in fights due to touchy subjects, take control of the conversation by playing a group game like Pictionary or Balderdash, in which everyone can participate. OR put conversation starters on pieces of paper in a basket about funny topics or stories. “Tell us an embarrassing story from High School.” “Who was your favorite teacher and why?” “If you won the lottery, what would you do?”
11. Make mealtimes more interesting by baking little fortunes or blessings or questions on a small piece of paper in the muffins. Or use place cards to mix up the seating a bit. Or go around the table saying what you appreciate about the person on your right.
12. Remember if things get heated, you can take a deep breath, take a short walk outside, divert the conversation to another topic. And you can quietly, just leave the room.
13. Your house, your rules. Your kids, your rules. Your time availability, your rules.
14. Focus on what you treasure about each person and tell them.
15. It’s sometimes the best option to say, “No, thank you.” (You don’t have to explain.

Invite someone over or suggest going out to a restaurant for a change.

1. Create a new tradition in memory of the person you lost. Maybe visit people in the hospital who have no one.
2. If you don’t have your kids due to a divorce, plan to get them another day, and in the meantime, make special adult plans doing something you really enjoy that you can’t do with kids.
3. Tell someone you trust that you are struggling. Get help when you need it.
4. Perhaps going on a trip over the holidays would be a nice distraction, if it’s difficult to be in the same house where all the old traditions used to take place.

Remember to maintain your own self-care routines: Eat healthy when you can. Resist overindulging in alcohol. Get your regular 7-8 hours of sleep, when possible. Drink plenty of water. Meditate every day. Look for things to be grateful for.

Marianne Clyde is an expert in Mental Health in the workplace. Speaking to businesses and associations about empowerment, team building and relationship networking, she is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in practice for over 27 years.