‘Call me ma’am’: Why dignity in identity matters

Graphic art by Elton Lugay

NEW YORK CITY — I’ve been contemplating writing a reaction to the viral incident involving Jude Bacalso, a transgender woman in the Philippines, and a waiter at a local restaurant. The waiter referred to Jude as “sir,” despite her presenting as a woman with makeup and female clothing.

Jude was understandably upset when she was misgendered and reacted by calling out and insulting the waiter, allegedly making him stand for hours. Filipino netizens were quick to defend the waiter and harshly criticized Jude, exacerbating the situation by repeatedly addressing her as “sir,” “manong,” “uncle” and other male terms.

I am deeply hurt by both Jude’s treatment of the waiter and the netizens’ attacks on Jude. However, this incident has sparked important conversations about how such situations could be handled better. Many suggest that Jude could have politely asked the waiter to call her “ma’am” instead of “sir” or quietly and privately brought the issue to the manager’s attention without causing a scene.

What I still struggle to understand is why people in the Philippines often fail to address a person in accordance with their appearance. Jude dresses, acts, and lives full-time as a woman. Regardless of whether her gestures or personality align perfectly with societal expectations of a “real” woman, she deserves respect and courtesy.

I am not acquainted with Jude and only learned about her through the viral incident. While I am not defending her actions, I am firmly against online bullying. Netizens may have defended the waiter as the perceived underdog, but Jude had every right to be upset about being misgendered.

Jude’s reaction, although extreme, has highlighted a significant issue for all transwomen who are afraid or choose not to speak up and correct those who are either ignorant or insensitive. It is not an excuse for Jude to insult or look down on the waiter, just as it is not an excuse for the waiter to misgender her.

May we all learn from this incident and hope that the culture of addressing customers as “ma’am” or “sir” in the Philippines evolves with greater sensitivity, respect and understanding.

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