Oh, no, here comes Manny Linlang, our neighborhood con artist. Heâs going to going to offer me an âunbelievableâ proposition, Iâm sure. Better hold on to my wallet.
âPare, have I got a deal for you. Incredible. Listen to this. Invest a couple of thousand pesos, and youâll get back five in one month.â
Uh-uh, Manny, you took me for 500 hundred pesos last time I saw you. What should I invest in this time, aber?
âIn me. Pare, in me. This is a sure bet. I have been blogging nonstop. I praise the administration and destroy its critics. Itâs going great. If I pay a company for robot âlikesâ Iâll have even more followers.â
Thatâs it? So what?
âFor value-added, I will soon also live-stream commentaries against the dilawan. Iâll make up news stories, splice up unflattering video clips, know what I mean (wink-wink)? My super-lodi is Justice Secretary Aguirre. He can damage all of the presidentâs enemies by simply mentioning their name in connection with any wrongdoingâ Delima and drugs, check. Marawi terrorist attack and Liberals, check. Aquino in-laws and scandalous deals, check. Werpa. He invented the verbal Tokhang. The Talkhang. He talks, they hang. Love the guy.â
Howâs all that going to make you â and me â money?
âDonât you see? Soon Malacañang will notice me. Iâll be hired at least as a government research and information consultant, like that guy with a lot of kulangot, Nieto. I may even be appointed assistant secretary of the presidentâs information office, like Mocha. When I get my first salary, youâll get your 5,000 pesos from a mere 2,000 in principal. Hereâs proof, my guarantee that this is better than playing the stock exchange. And Iâm wholly Filipino-owned, too. Iâm not even issuing PDRs, just to play safe.â
So, it says in this article that Asec Mocha gets a monthly basic gross salary of at least P106,454. She also has P20,000 monthly representation and transportation allowance, on top of a P5,000 monthly âextraordinary and miscellaneousâ expenses and the P2,000 monthly personal economic relief allowance for government employees. Mocha is likely getting a total of at least P133,454 monthly before taxes. She also has a yearly P5,000 clothing allowance, a P5,000 cash gift, plus a year-end bonus.
Wow. That is serious money.
âThrow in another thousand and Iâll bring you great souvenirs from Nyew Yawk when the secretary of foreign affairs flies me there. Or a stylish pasalubong from Milan, mamma mia. What more do you want?â
Fine, but how are you going to qualify for the position, you barely finished high school?
âIâll announce my intention to go to college and take up law. Then Iâll have my picture taken reading a book. That should prove I qualify for my post. Iâve seen it work before.â
But you donât have a respectable profession. Youâre a kubrador ng jueteng when you feel like breaking a sweat.
âPare naman. You make it sound like Iâm just a male stripper. But it doesnât matter today. Our loving president, the best president God finally gave to us, our wise father of the nation, has opened many opportunities for people with less â like me â as his way of paying âutang na loobâ for our undying support. Not like previous elitist presidents.â
What opportunities?
âWell, now you donât have to be an experienced journalist to be an assistant communication secretary, right? Well, you can also head up the National Library without being a librarian. You can also conduct autopsies, like Erfe and Acosta, without being a forensic pathologist. You can even be an ambassador. Oh, okay, you do have to be a religious cult leader for that one. But, pare, this is change.â
That is a big change, indeed.
âYou can even get an honor from the UST Alumni Association without being honorable. See, lowly folks like me can be what we want to be. So, what do you say?â
Hmmm. Five thousand pesos plus junket pasalubongs in return for two or three grand? Well, okay. Iâll double my investment. Here.
âYou wonât regret it. Youâre in good hands. I always knew you were with us. We are 16 million strong, pare, we whose faith in our great, glorious and correct Tatay Digong can move mountains, even volcanoes. You should feel good that ordinary people like me and Ate Mocha can now be of service to Inang Bayan. Thanks to Tatay Digong for inspiring us.â
Uh, I guess so.
âListen, how about adding just another three hundred. Iâd like to taste-test that new Starbucks Blonde Latte so you donât have to.â
Aww, thatâs really nice of you! Here, thanks.