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Outtakes

Change has scam

/ 02:48 AM February 15, 2018

Oh, no, here comes Manny Linlang, our neighborhood con artist. He’s going to going to offer me an “unbelievable” proposition, I’m sure. Better hold on to my wallet.

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“Pare, have I got a deal for you. Incredible. Listen to this. Invest a couple of thousand pesos, and you’ll get back five in one month.”

Uh-uh, Manny, you took me for 500 hundred pesos last time I saw you. What should I invest in this time, aber?

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“In me. Pare, in me. This is a sure bet. I have been blogging nonstop. I praise the administration and destroy its critics. It’s going great. If I pay a company for robot ‘likes’ I’ll have even more followers.”

That’s it? So what?

“For value-added, I will soon also live-stream commentaries against the dilawan. I’ll make up news stories, splice up unflattering video clips, know what I mean (wink-wink)? My super-lodi is Justice Secretary Aguirre. He can damage all of the president’s enemies by simply mentioning their name in connection with any wrongdoing— Delima and drugs, check. Marawi terrorist attack and Liberals, check. Aquino in-laws and scandalous deals, check. Werpa. He invented the verbal Tokhang. The Talkhang. He talks, they hang. Love the guy.”

How’s all that going to make you — and me — money?

“Don’t you see? Soon Malacañang will notice me. I’ll be hired at least as a government research and information consultant, like that guy with a lot of kulangot, Nieto. I may even be appointed assistant secretary of the president’s information office, like Mocha. When I get my first salary, you’ll get your 5,000 pesos from a mere 2,000 in principal. Here’s proof, my guarantee that this is better than playing the stock exchange. And I’m wholly Filipino-owned, too. I’m not even issuing PDRs, just to play safe.”

So, it says in this article that Asec Mocha gets a monthly basic gross salary of at least P106,454. She also has P20,000 monthly representation and transportation allowance, on top of a P5,000 monthly “extraordinary and miscellaneous” expenses and the P2,000 monthly personal economic relief allowance for government employees. Mocha is likely getting a total of at least P133,454 monthly before taxes. She also has a yearly P5,000 clothing allowance, a P5,000 cash gift, plus a year-end bonus.

Wow. That is serious money.

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“Throw in another thousand and I’ll bring you great souvenirs from Nyew Yawk when the secretary of foreign affairs flies me there. Or a stylish pasalubong from Milan, mamma mia. What more do you want?”

Fine, but how are you going to qualify for the position, you barely finished high school?

“I’ll announce my intention to go to college and take up law. Then I’ll have my picture taken reading a book. That should prove I qualify for my post. I’ve seen it work before.”

But you don’t have a respectable profession. You’re a kubrador ng jueteng when you feel like breaking a sweat.

“Pare naman. You make it sound like I’m just a male stripper. But it doesn’t matter today. Our loving president, the best president God finally gave to us, our wise father of the nation, has opened many opportunities for people with less — like me — as his way of paying ‘utang na loob’ for our undying support. Not like previous elitist presidents.”

What opportunities?

“Well, now you don’t have to be an experienced journalist to be an assistant communication secretary, right?  Well, you can also head up the National Library without being a librarian. You can also conduct autopsies, like Erfe and Acosta, without being a forensic pathologist. You can even be an ambassador. Oh, okay, you do have to be a religious cult leader for that one. But, pare, this is change.”

That is a big change, indeed.

“You can even get an honor from the UST Alumni Association without being honorable. See, lowly folks like me can be what we want to be. So, what do you say?”

Hmmm. Five thousand pesos plus junket pasalubongs in return for two or three grand? Well, okay. I’ll double my investment. Here.

“You won’t regret it. You’re in good hands. I always knew you were with us. We are 16 million strong, pare, we whose faith in our great, glorious and correct Tatay Digong can move mountains, even volcanoes. You should feel good that ordinary people like me and Ate Mocha can now be of service to Inang Bayan. Thanks to Tatay Digong for inspiring us.”

Uh, I guess so.

“Listen, how about adding just another three hundred. I’d like to taste-test that new Starbucks Blonde Latte so you don’t have to.”

Aww, that’s really nice of you! Here, thanks.

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TAGS: blogging, forensic pathologist, National Library, Presidential Communication Secretary, satire, scam, Tatay Digong, UST Alumni Association
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