Facebook tags several fake news items from PH

MENLO PARK, California — Facebook announced that its latest algorithm for detecting fake news in 44 countries has flagged several bogus news items originating from the Philippines in only one hour of operation.

Facebook said it found the following fake news items on a number of Filipino websites:

• The National Economic Development Authority identified funeral services as the country’s newest growth industry, with demand beginning to outpace supply nightly. While NEDA notes that current consumers responsible for the sectoral uptick may be too poor to fuel a clear takeoff, presidential spokesman Ernesto Aberria said that sooner or later middle-class demand will start to grow the market. “And if the trend continues other countries may begin outsourcing their addicts to us for a more economical final solution,” he predicted. FAKE

• The University of the Philippines Board of Regents will confer another honorary degree on President Rodrigo Duterte, who will receive a doctorate in mortuary science for his “visionary approach to social work,” which has led to the rise of the country’s newest growth industry. UP students and faculty hailed the conferment this time. FAKE

• Doctors at the prestigious Resbach Neuropsychiatric Institute in Los Angeles warned that most members of the Philippine Congress and the cabinet show symptoms of delusion by proxy, a behavior typical of addiction enablers. The most serious case of the condition exhibits psychosomatic alopecia, or radical hair loss brought on by pathological sycophancy. (DISCLOSURE: The study was funded by Fenton-Neale Laboratories, makers of the world’s No. 1 painkiller, Pharangpahradyze.) FAKE

• Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre angrily rejected the Resbach Institute’s finding, saying, “I have the best head of hair around.” He added, “I’m very independent-minded according to the president.” Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez was busy counting his mistresses and was not available for comment. FAKE

• Philippine National Police Chief Ronald de la Rosa insisted that the war on drugs is completely non-violent and wondered why “anyone, anyone at all” would think the anti-drug campaign named “Double Barrel Reloaded” involves lethal force. And as if to show that the PNP has nothing to do with extrajudicial killings, de la Rosa openly challenged vigilantes, whoever they may be, to a gun duel (Facebook clarified that although this last thing sounds so absurd it must be fake, it is not). UMMM

• The CIA reported that China’s strategic goal in its continuing reclamations in the South China Sea is to restore the land bridge that once connected the Philippines to the Asian mainland. The land bridge will be an extension of the legendary Silk Road that Beijing wants to recreate, nicknamed One Belt One Road (OBOR). President Rodrigo Duterte, with encouragement from former President Gloria Arroyo, has secretly agreed to make his own mega-infrastructure program, nicknamed Dutertenomics, as a component of OBOR, in exchange for economic aid, loans and a lifetime supply of soothing painkillers. FAKE

• The Vatican’s Congregation for the Causes of Saints will review reports of an unnatural phenomenon that could qualify President Rodrigo Duterte for sainthood. Reportedly after receiving the president’s simple blessing, formerly detained President Gloria Arroyo threw off her heavy neck brace, kicked away her wheelchair, walked normally again, free, smiling brightly and completely cured of life-threatening cervical spondylosis and other bone diseases. “It’s more impressive than turning water into wine. Thank God sa mahal naming poong presidente,” said a tearful supporter who witnessed the post-election miracle. FAKE

• The president’s office of communication dismissed charges that President Duterte is rewarding his most rabid supporters with appointments to government posts. Communication Secretary Martin Paandar said there’s nothing historically unusual or unseemly about the president appointing sex blogger and social twerker Mocha Uson to the board of censors, arguing that “Emperor Caligula made his horse a consul.” FAKE

UPDATE: Facebook warned that the report that it has detected fake news from several Philippine websites is most likely also fake. FAKISH